My daughter called me in tears, her bf sister is laying in a coma in icu. She has a disease  that is killing her. She has four children ranging from 4 - 13...  she still has a disease that is killing her. at the time of my daughters call Brianna was laying in a medically induced coma to try and save her from herself. Her body was tired... so tired of being abused by drugs and other kinds of holistic remedies to cure her of her disease. so very tired, it couldn't try any more.

A few days before she ended up in the hospital she turned 40. She celebrated her birthday in bed, too sick to get up. Her husband thought she would get over it soon. And went about the business of getting high. Her friends and family had not heard from her in days, remember, she has 4 children... wonder who was wondering who was caring for her kids? I would wonder? Finally someone, her husband maybe, or another family member decides to take her to the hospital. She is too sick to be at this hospital, and unfortunately the city she is in doesn't care much for drug addicts. They didn't read the memo... IT IS A DISEASE!  She has no more chance of helping herself than someone else try to cure themselves of cancer.

So the family gathers, sisters fly in, drive in, Brianna's father even shows up. Where were they when she was using? When her kids needed a good meal? A clean bed to sleep in? Was it her disease that made them complacent in regards to them rallying around her? Or do people really believe it's a disease. I keep using the word disease to make a point. IF this were a person with cancer, or some other disease that was socially acceptable stop for a minute... what would your thoughts be? Convict yourself??? What were your thoughts as you read this? Hmmmmmm

Brianna died!   dead~ no longer on this earth!

 Leaving her 4 children without their mother. Leaving her mother without a daughter. Leaving her brothers and sisters without their eldest sister. Leaving her husband without his wife ( but he hasn't stopped using himself) and even I am angry at this, and leave out the word disease regarding his behavior... and yes I am convicted of hypocrisy! I am you and you are me... sadly

So back to my daughter, my addict, my child with the same disease...

is she next?

while Brianna lay in her coma my daughter went and got high

when my daughter called to say Brianna had passed away she was still using.

when my daughter dies from the same disease... who will sit with me... who will gather at my house.

who will whisper behind my back, just out of earshot... she was just an addict.. better off without her

Its like cancer... people are afraid. .. there is a shame in addiction... for the family, for the parents. who is really to blame? 

And where is God in all this? I want to believe He is waiting for us to call out to Him. Waiting for us to ask him to rebuke the demons of addiction and lay hands of healing on people like Brianna, Leigh, Marshall, Evan, and the millions of others dying of this disease.

Father God, in the name Jesus my Lord and Savior... I ask you to rebuke the demon of addiction in......................... In Jesus name I pray! Amen!

nothing but faith!

 sometimes there is NOTHING else but faith. When you are hurt..when you are angry... when nothing makes sense. WTF when a young woman needlessly dies! WTF when you sit in the dark trying to figure it out.. and you are so far down the food chain of hurt and despair.. the collateral damage of death... how far reaching are the tentacles of the evil walking among us. Taking mothers from their children, sisters from their family, wives from their husbands.. a good woman from her community. Who is sobbing tonight raging at God, who let prayer fall on seemingly deaf ears! WTF . I hurt and I am afraid! Who is next? Why is there a next? Hope deferred makes the heart sick! It says so in the bible. Hope is fragile and hides itself away. We have to look for it... sometimes we are someone else's hope... sometimes we need someone to share their hope with us. Sometimes we just need to love someone who you wouldn't think needs it. otherwise WTF... 

I am angry! I am hurting! I am scared! My heart is sad. I am praying God hears my prayer. And like the mustard seed hope will rise up from the ashes.. A family will heal, A heart will hurt less, love will prevail.

That's What Faith Can Do ....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--3TEjU-mYI&feature=related

what is a life worth?

who decides?
who says who has value and who does not...

let me tell you a story of a man who was in my life for a season....
who passed away
last week....
unnoticed...
asleep in his sleeping bag under a bush..
but home in heaven a few
days before being found...
it is a story of a man who had nothing and shared everything he had and more...
who believed God had blessed him and continued to bless him in his daily life...



the first time I saw him, he was sitting on the asphalt on a piece of cardboard to keep the morning dew from soaking his butt, leaning up against the concession stand for baseball or softball at the park near my home... tired threadbare jeans, tennis shoes that at one time had been white, a blue almost turtle neck tee shirt...his hair was short, but nappy... to me it needed a trim in a big way.... who am i to decide? his clothes were clean and he was reading a book... I was surprised! hmmm homeless people don't read? I was convicted in that moment... His back pack, sleeping bag and other random belongings lay beside him. He glanced up at me as i passed... I am sure my method of observations ( I have a friend that is an engineer) were boring holes in his head... possibly his entire being. But Lord oh Lord in his eyes he held the world... they twinkled in spite of his circumstance.... his gaze stopped the unruly thoughts that were spinning in my mind and caused me to really look at him.... who am i to decide... He smiled like we were old friends, nodded his head and said good morning.... I smiled back and said good morning also... wondered to myself if I would be so pleasant if I were he....

I had no idea it was the start of a friendship - a friendship given to me by God ....

the next morning he was at the picnic table trimming his beard. I wondered if he had heard my thoughts ....I was kinda embarrassed for thinking such petty things.. he held a small mirror in his hand and as i discovered later was starting his morning ritual... I sauntered toward the picnic table while I thought maintaining an air of "only out for my walk" kind -of- walk...
Sometimes, I am the idiot.... :-)

Morning salutations exchanged and off I went...

finally we introduced ourselves.... Floyd Cameron... some people called him Sunshine cause he was always smiling and happy... he did not like that name... please call him Floyd... I asked him why he wouldn't just correct the people... he smiled like the sun and I didn't ask again... He is sunshine... but his name is Floyd.

why sunshine?
there is a christian high school next to the park... 30 kids contributed their own funds toward a new back pack and winter jacket and boots. 30 is not a random number! I read every signature on the card... Each kid wrote his own words of appreciation and gratitude for Floyd's support of their baseball games... he never missed a game! he knew all the kids by name and would cheer them on, encourage them to excel on off days... jump up and down when they won... galvanize them when they lost... parents? any questions? who are we to decide?


Thinking Floyd might be hungry and it was my day off I went home to cook up a storm and feed my new "project." Humph! God had a purpose in mind on this man and I, but feeding him was not it...

I made some kind of pasta dish, my thinking was that it would go further and he could snack all day... imagine my surprise when delivering the freshly cooked food, he thanked me... apologized for not liking pasta... but wondered if he could give it to someone he knew would love it and needed it more than he did...WOW! It was the first time he asked to give away my donations, but certainly not the last... in the rainy winter I went to the thrift store and bought a below freezing water proof sleeping bag... he gave it to a family he knew outside that night... He shared his books, his meals, his laughter, his stories of God. He was quick to thank the Lord for all his blessings... He knew Moms and babies, he watched over random kids when unsavory types were lurking about. He even gave away chocolate chip cookies I baked just for him.... What the heck! I quickly discovered peanut butter was his favorite.. He never ever even shared one of those...
oh happy me!

to be continued.....

from there .... to here...

and somewhere in the middle lays the truth....



Leah was born in Affluentville, USA... a gift from God... so very blessed, and Leah was so treasured, loved and spoiled. She was sick early, 6 months. She first got sick when her father was on vacation. The doctors thought I had somehow caused the problem by punching her in the stomach. We spent the next 3 years with the help of not so helpful doctors trying to figure out the cause of her malaise. Medical bills running amuck, diagnosis not forth coming...husband playing house not at home...life was uncertain, unbalanced. Leah had surgery at 3 1/2 and got better until she was 13. She was so bright, happy, an avid learner... sounds trite, but is a great description of my girl.

sometimes i don't want to write... sometimes i would rather be writing about weddings and births and degrees and recipes.... sometimes writing this make my heart break and tears drop shamelessly on my laptop.... sometimes i am without hope....

my daughter died yesterday

maybe not dead from this planet....
maybe not dead and laying underground...
but dead in my heart....

Mayor Michael R Bloomberg NYC

EMOTIONS RANGE FROM ARE YOU SERIOUSLY KIDDING ME!

TO EXTREME OUTRAGE!

http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/01/04/ny.heroin.pamphlet/

A pamphlet designed to help heroin users with advice has come under fire, with some now questioning whether the public health brochure can actually be used as a how-to guide on drug use.
While concerns over the 16-page pamphlet have arisen in recent days, the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene created its "Take Charge, Take Care: 10 Tips for Safer Use" brochure in 2007. Its purpose, according to a statement from the department, is "to help people who are injecting drugs reduce the harm associated with this type of drug use until they are able to get into treatment and recover."
According to the Health Department, "accidental overdose is the fourth leading cause of early adult death in New York City, claiming more than 600 lives each year." The agency says about 70,000 pamphlets have been produced at a cost to city taxpayers of slightly more than $32,000.
"The pamphlet provides potentially life saving advice" reads a health department statement.
But critics such as New York City Councilman Peter F. Vallone Jr., chairman of the council's Public Safety Committee, believes the pamphlet is "an indefensible waste of taxpayer money" and is effectively spreading a lie that there is a safe way to inject drugs.
"Heroin use is at epidemic levels in New York, and we should be spending money to address that, not teach first-timers how to use," says Vallone.
Information in the publication takes the form of "ten critical tips for reducing the harm that illicit drug use, and especially injection drug use can cause." Tip topics include "how to prevent overdose," "prepare drugs carefully," "take care of your veins" and "ask for help to stop using."
Within each of the 10 broad tips, the brochure presents several "simple but valuable" related ideas for users about how to lessen potential problems when injecting drugs.
One suggestion reads, "Use with someone else. If you're alone and something goes wrong, no one can help."
Another says, "Use a new syringe, cooker, cotton, tie, and other supplies every time." Plus, "Warm your body (jump up and down) to show your veins." Along with, "Find the vein before you try to inject."
There is also information regarding HIV and hepatitis-C testing, depression and contact information for emergencies and for finding help to quit.
New York City Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg addressed the pamphlet controversy on Monday, explaining how "the health department does have an interest in -- if you're going to do certain things -- to get you to do it as healthily as you possibly can."
Don Des Jarlais, research director for the Chemical Dependency Institute, said the principle behind the pamphlet has always been to emphasize treatment and to reduce the spread of disease like HIV/AIDS. However, if people still engage in risky behavior, the "Take Charge, Take Care" information is meant to mitigate risks associated with intravenous drug use and present guidance for people to partake in the safest manner possible.
But Vallone believes the pamphlet goes "well beyond clean needles" advice, providing anyone who wants to experiment with information about how to prepare drugs and find veins -- information that an already-using addict would find useless.
New York state's top Drug Enforcement Administration official, John P. Gilbride, echoes Vallone, saying the pamphlet is essentially a "how-to guide" for drug use. Gilbride expressed his concern that the pamphlet could send a message that leads individuals to believe they can use heroin in some safe manner.
"Using heroin can never be safe. It's akin to playing Russian roulette with a loaded gun" Gilbride told CNN.
Indeed, "there is no safe way to inject" agreed Des Jarlais, in response to criticism that the pamphlet presents heroin use as harmless. "I think the word 'safely' is wrong," he said, but if people do inject drugs, he hopes large information campaigns can help lessen risks.
"Using hard drugs is just not a smart thing to do," Bloomberg said Monday. "But we have an obligation no matter what the people do in this city to make sure they do it as safe as they can."
Vallone, meanwhile rhetorically asks, "What's next, a kids' guide for playing safely in traffic?"
Vallone said he sent a letter to the city's health commissioner Monday to immediately cease circulation and funding for the pamphlet, and he plans to "hold his feet to the fire during upcoming budget meetings" unless the health department admits its mistake.
The pamphlet is just one component of a larger municipal effort, explained Des Jarlais. Along with the informational brochure, there are also face-to-face community outreach initiatives, expansion of drug abuse treatment facilities and 47 state-authorized syringe exchange program throughout New York City's five boroughs.
Des Jarlais points to an 80 percent reduction of HIV reported among new drug users in New York City as proof that programs such as needle exchanges are working. The health department reports that overdose deaths have declined by 25 percent from 2006 to 2008, representing at least 200 fewer deaths.
"I don't think there is a healthy way [to use heroin[, but there may be less dangerous ways to do certain things," Bloomberg said.