they say....as a parent

you are only as happy

as your unhappiest child?

what if you only have one?

what if she has chosen a life that doesn't

include happiness for now?

can you yourself choose happiness?

I never thought so

I thought I had to lay in the muck with her.

I believe now

I believe

with out the sense of entitlement so many of

our kids possess

I did not choose her

path

I did not shove her down it

I did not condone her

actions...

I can be happy for me

and still pray and grieve for her.

I can love her deeply

and not love her

life style.

I can grow

spiritually

I can smile when

she is crying

I can laugh when she is angry

and I can listen with empathy, compassion

and love

without

altering my chosen path

I now strive to do my personal best

even if at this time she is unable

to do hers.

xo

WHO ARE "THEY" ANYWAY?

alone with my thoughts

I want to be alone with my thoughts
And let them scatter like
Like blinded feasting
cockroaches
Dashing with a single mindedness
To the
Safety of the dark recesses
Of my brilliantly light room
Responsive to the
devastation random prattle evokes
When tragedy becomes your muse
Who cares if a chard of rhetoric
Pierces your heart and your mind.
Your inner child recoils
chatter from a mouth
More deadly than a neutron bomb
When repeated in all the wrong places
scurrying about
Over indulging on reside from
Careless, ridiculous humans...
torment less effective
Further from the source
no impact this far away
A muse…
Perhaps...
or
Something darker more nefarious, more consuming...
Coming closer…

Without Faith....

without faith... i would perish under the intensity of the

unknown

i give my life and yours to my God....

He is able.

i listen to your voice on the phone... and wonder
are you high?
are your words true?
are you trying to make me feel better?
i pray for you in the early hours, or when God whispers
in my ear... send her to me...
i pray your journey will have a hollywood ending..
but even in writing those words.. I worry
so many people in hollywood die
of drugs,
of disappointment
of failures real or imagined...
i choose for you LIFE...
i pray its what you choose too...

The Face of a Heroin Addict

it not who Average -Joe is programed to think...

Heroin by definition
–noun Pharmacology.
a white, crystalline, narcotic powder, C21H23NO5, derived from morphine, formerly used as an analgesic and sedative: manufacture and importation of heroin are now controlled by federal law in the U.S. because of the danger of addiction.

Word Origin & History heroin
from Ger. Heroin, coined 1898 as trademark registered by Friedrich Bayer & Co. for their morphine substitute, traditionally from Gk. heros because of the euphoric feeling the drug provides.

I read a blog yesterday of someone who is the addict, not the mom of, or parent of, or spouse of... but the addict... what I found fascinating was the header of the daily blog... "Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos." see http://gledwood2.blogspot.com/ for complete story. Thank you God someone else knows what I believe... what we ALL need to know... it could be your son, your daughter, your mom or dad... sadness holds on to my heart.

When I look at the photo's of my daughter that capture a moment in time, where the drug is not in control, and Leigh shows herself I find myself fighting my constant denial that this drug addict is not my daughter. She is bright, funny, giving, engaging. She is also a heroin addict that has lost control over her life and given it over to a drug that is evil. A drug that now controls the emotion impulse's in her brain, where her emotions leave her without the help of the drug...

Like a a Jedi warrior facing Yoda she has little chance of winning the battle with out the correct weapons. Weapons that require daily use for years and years...

more....

held you as a shield

I held you out like a shield
like a pedulum right left... always... left right...
tick tock tock tick... left right... always... right left
front back... always... back front

always there you were... always... tick tock... and always...
concealing suppressing me … I melded in to you…
sadly becoming one with you and denying me
i became nothing, my reflection in the mirror
was only you.

where am i?, my heart cries out...
Hiding me, burying my emotions, abnegating my emotions...
now they do not understand why they must learn to express themselves without you…
the process is painful and requires a discipline
i am only learning to possess.

why "how are you?" does not mean "How is Leigh?"
it means "how is Kaisha?"
I must respond with me as the first person...

Was I always nothing? Am I nothing? Will I remain nothing? No one?
when I die, will "they say" oh... poor Leigh... how will she cope..
Speculation buys me nothing …

I search for answers..
Appraising my life I have an heightened need to know
How did I cease to exist outside the universe of you?
How is it possible?
My breathing required you
My loving required you…
Could I breathe without you?
Do I want to …
Do I want to …
I feel an emptiness that should not be real…
Is not normal… should not exist...
That I have no answer those questions….

like a pedulum; right, left, left right... tick tock tock tick... there you were...
always there you were...
I melded in to you…
sadly becoming one with you
denying me!

Rage

What it’s like to be me
when you rage and thrash
and lash out with daggers disguised as words
and the shards of my broken heart pierce the bottom of
my stomach
anguish mixed with torment so intense breathing is unbearable
when your situation seems hopeless and I pray to my God
to bring you to him
and I know you will think that means I wish you
dead…
only dead from the life you have grown to know
dead to the fear that governs your thoughts
dead to the darkness that blocks the light you posses inside you
more where my thoughts travel … therefore, if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation;

the old has gone; the new has come
then… never will it matter who you were - only who you’ve become
I toss and turn on my pillow, sleep eludes me, prayers tumble out of my mouth and through my mind in tandem …
hot tears sting my eyes - seep down my cheeks
resignation is battled – but lost
I know this is not my war, not mine to wage
It is yours…
Forever and always - I love you, I pray you win!

Your Mom