i wonder

if you are dead?

i never

heard

back

cry out to you...

" the police just came... i have to go down to the station..

i am so scared... pray for me..."

2 hours later

"call me later... i am in big trouble

but i am too upset to

talk to you

right now"

3 hours later

i know nothing

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

4 hours later

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Lord God, I ask for the wisdom

to stand out of the way and

let your work be done.

I know there is no God greater

than you

I know you are able!

I know you have a plan

and purpose in my life

and in Leah's life

I ask again for the wisdom

to stand out of the way

and let you do

what you do!

I ask this in Jesus name. Amen!

hi-ho the derry-o

hope..
floats around and dances with my desire
for my world to right itself
listening to you speak tonight
hope fluttered her watered soaked wings
tried to believe
tried to trust
wanted to so badly delve back into
that world of make believe
when you were
not an addict...
though when that was i sadly don't remember
hope has a troubling sense of humor
hi-ho the derry-o the cheese stands alone....
and i NEVER want to be the cheese again...
hope teases ... churning up thoughts you bury to
protect ones self
hope messes with the walls created to prevent
total annihilation of ones self
still... water soaked wings are
drying by infinitesimal increments...
Hebrews 11:1
faith ... the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen
Proverbs 13:12
hope deffered can make the heart sick...
but a dream fullfilled is the tree of life...
1 Corinthians 13:13
and now these three remain... faith... hope... and love
and greatests of these is love

in every corner of my life and world, i choose dreams fullfilled... i choose love.

The Elephant in the Room

windows of opportunity for you are closing by the moment

denial is cowering in the corner, but still has a hold

if onlys rein triumphant... teaming up with denial

despair is waiting his turn

when and how will this torment end

when did my power cease?

its your turn little goose

I pray you turn upward and find the answers

that are waiting for you

i am becoming anesthetized, you are my only child

and i have lost you, yet you still wander this earth.

I WANT my Leigh back! I want this horror to end!

please please please i beg...to deaf ears and vacant minds

I love you girly girl, come back to you! come back to me!

molecular genetics...

information is power... you can not bury your head in the sand...

* Molecular Genetics is the cause of addiction
*15% of the Population carries the gene
* Once the gene appears in the family 70% of the offspring are likely to carry the gene
*Addicts have higher IQs than most people. The bad news is that they have trouble shutting their minds down.
* Those afflicted are born at birth with lower Endorphine Levels
* Vicodin and Oxy are the most prominent route into Opiate Addiction
* Vicodin is now the # 1 reason behind Liver Transplant requests
* The first Opiate Addict was the wife of the man who invented the Hypodermic Syringe
* Celebrex is an excellent Non-Narcotic Pain Reliever for people coming off of surgeries

About Suboxone, the original drug was introduced as Subutex. A single compound. The second generation is Suboxone. Suboxone has two compounds. Subutex was getting to the streets and Addicts were mixing it with tranquillizers. It became known as "Irish Heroin". The second generation (Suboxone) doesn't work on the street.

Suboxone is far superior as a detox drug for Heroin because Methadone has difficulties.
A fact is that all addicts overdose prescriptions given them from Drs. So an addict will ALWAYS figure out away to dose themselves more than prescribed. High doses of Methadone can cause Respiratory Illness and Death. Methadone of course can be just as addictive as Heroin. Suboxone has a built in overdose govenor. If addicts overdose themselves they experience withdrawal symptoms. If they however stay at the prescribed dose withdrawal is treated.

frozen in time...

i sat frozen, thrown back in time

frozen in shock, in disbelief, in sadness

covering my head for protection i knew wouldn't come

getting hit on the head is horrible

pain reverberates,

my teeth throb

my eyes sting,

my blood vessels swell...

i swore never again in my life would i allow someone

to hit me on my head...

it stings! bad!

i cried out... begging you not to pound on me...

my mom was the last person, i was 13 years old...

she was in a drunken rage; reason? simply unknown...

hmmmmm...

thawed out, able to move, i pushed you off of me...

i got kicked in my stomach for my effort to escape

your assault.

petrified one of us was not going to leave this room

on our own accord.

think kaisha... please oh gosh... think... get out of here

leave and live.... stay with evil

you stood at the door screaming at me...

taunting my flight!

breaking my heart

my spine slumped

my steps faltered
darkness pours in to my soul

mocking my pain

panic-sticken i hid in the alley with

shame..

fear, despair, anguish, deperation...

run hide...

calling out to my God

pleading for this nightmare to end!

anger unleased...

directed at me
why?
even you
i would guess
do not know
your words
are like blunt force trauma
assaulting my senses
defecting your onslaught with prayer
almost throwing me into a spin
for once i can shut your words down
quickly
before you draw me into your
world
of prevarication, evil running a muck
where it has no business being...
i wish i could save you....
i thank my God, i am learning i cannot

they say....as a parent

you are only as happy

as your unhappiest child?

what if you only have one?

what if she has chosen a life that doesn't

include happiness for now?

can you yourself choose happiness?

I never thought so

I thought I had to lay in the muck with her.

I believe now

I believe

with out the sense of entitlement so many of

our kids possess

I did not choose her

path

I did not shove her down it

I did not condone her

actions...

I can be happy for me

and still pray and grieve for her.

I can love her deeply

and not love her

life style.

I can grow

spiritually

I can smile when

she is crying

I can laugh when she is angry

and I can listen with empathy, compassion

and love

without

altering my chosen path

I now strive to do my personal best

even if at this time she is unable

to do hers.

xo

WHO ARE "THEY" ANYWAY?

alone with my thoughts

I want to be alone with my thoughts
And let them scatter like
Like blinded feasting
cockroaches
Dashing with a single mindedness
To the
Safety of the dark recesses
Of my brilliantly light room
Responsive to the
devastation random prattle evokes
When tragedy becomes your muse
Who cares if a chard of rhetoric
Pierces your heart and your mind.
Your inner child recoils
chatter from a mouth
More deadly than a neutron bomb
When repeated in all the wrong places
scurrying about
Over indulging on reside from
Careless, ridiculous humans...
torment less effective
Further from the source
no impact this far away
A muse…
Perhaps...
or
Something darker more nefarious, more consuming...
Coming closer…

Without Faith....

without faith... i would perish under the intensity of the

unknown

i give my life and yours to my God....

He is able.

i listen to your voice on the phone... and wonder
are you high?
are your words true?
are you trying to make me feel better?
i pray for you in the early hours, or when God whispers
in my ear... send her to me...
i pray your journey will have a hollywood ending..
but even in writing those words.. I worry
so many people in hollywood die
of drugs,
of disappointment
of failures real or imagined...
i choose for you LIFE...
i pray its what you choose too...

The Face of a Heroin Addict

it not who Average -Joe is programed to think...

Heroin by definition
–noun Pharmacology.
a white, crystalline, narcotic powder, C21H23NO5, derived from morphine, formerly used as an analgesic and sedative: manufacture and importation of heroin are now controlled by federal law in the U.S. because of the danger of addiction.

Word Origin & History heroin
from Ger. Heroin, coined 1898 as trademark registered by Friedrich Bayer & Co. for their morphine substitute, traditionally from Gk. heros because of the euphoric feeling the drug provides.

I read a blog yesterday of someone who is the addict, not the mom of, or parent of, or spouse of... but the addict... what I found fascinating was the header of the daily blog... "Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos." see http://gledwood2.blogspot.com/ for complete story. Thank you God someone else knows what I believe... what we ALL need to know... it could be your son, your daughter, your mom or dad... sadness holds on to my heart.

When I look at the photo's of my daughter that capture a moment in time, where the drug is not in control, and Leigh shows herself I find myself fighting my constant denial that this drug addict is not my daughter. She is bright, funny, giving, engaging. She is also a heroin addict that has lost control over her life and given it over to a drug that is evil. A drug that now controls the emotion impulse's in her brain, where her emotions leave her without the help of the drug...

Like a a Jedi warrior facing Yoda she has little chance of winning the battle with out the correct weapons. Weapons that require daily use for years and years...

more....

held you as a shield

I held you out like a shield
like a pedulum right left... always... left right...
tick tock tock tick... left right... always... right left
front back... always... back front

always there you were... always... tick tock... and always...
concealing suppressing me … I melded in to you…
sadly becoming one with you and denying me
i became nothing, my reflection in the mirror
was only you.

where am i?, my heart cries out...
Hiding me, burying my emotions, abnegating my emotions...
now they do not understand why they must learn to express themselves without you…
the process is painful and requires a discipline
i am only learning to possess.

why "how are you?" does not mean "How is Leigh?"
it means "how is Kaisha?"
I must respond with me as the first person...

Was I always nothing? Am I nothing? Will I remain nothing? No one?
when I die, will "they say" oh... poor Leigh... how will she cope..
Speculation buys me nothing …

I search for answers..
Appraising my life I have an heightened need to know
How did I cease to exist outside the universe of you?
How is it possible?
My breathing required you
My loving required you…
Could I breathe without you?
Do I want to …
Do I want to …
I feel an emptiness that should not be real…
Is not normal… should not exist...
That I have no answer those questions….

like a pedulum; right, left, left right... tick tock tock tick... there you were...
always there you were...
I melded in to you…
sadly becoming one with you
denying me!

Rage

What it’s like to be me
when you rage and thrash
and lash out with daggers disguised as words
and the shards of my broken heart pierce the bottom of
my stomach
anguish mixed with torment so intense breathing is unbearable
when your situation seems hopeless and I pray to my God
to bring you to him
and I know you will think that means I wish you
dead…
only dead from the life you have grown to know
dead to the fear that governs your thoughts
dead to the darkness that blocks the light you posses inside you
more where my thoughts travel … therefore, if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation;

the old has gone; the new has come
then… never will it matter who you were - only who you’ve become
I toss and turn on my pillow, sleep eludes me, prayers tumble out of my mouth and through my mind in tandem …
hot tears sting my eyes - seep down my cheeks
resignation is battled – but lost
I know this is not my war, not mine to wage
It is yours…
Forever and always - I love you, I pray you win!

Your Mom