held you as a shield

I held you out like a shield
like a pedulum right left... always... left right...
tick tock tock tick... left right... always... right left
front back... always... back front

always there you were... always... tick tock... and always...
concealing suppressing me … I melded in to you…
sadly becoming one with you and denying me
i became nothing, my reflection in the mirror
was only you.

where am i?, my heart cries out...
Hiding me, burying my emotions, abnegating my emotions...
now they do not understand why they must learn to express themselves without you…
the process is painful and requires a discipline
i am only learning to possess.

why "how are you?" does not mean "How is Leigh?"
it means "how is Kaisha?"
I must respond with me as the first person...

Was I always nothing? Am I nothing? Will I remain nothing? No one?
when I die, will "they say" oh... poor Leigh... how will she cope..
Speculation buys me nothing …

I search for answers..
Appraising my life I have an heightened need to know
How did I cease to exist outside the universe of you?
How is it possible?
My breathing required you
My loving required you…
Could I breathe without you?
Do I want to …
Do I want to …
I feel an emptiness that should not be real…
Is not normal… should not exist...
That I have no answer those questions….

like a pedulum; right, left, left right... tick tock tock tick... there you were...
always there you were...
I melded in to you…
sadly becoming one with you
denying me!

Rage

What it’s like to be me
when you rage and thrash
and lash out with daggers disguised as words
and the shards of my broken heart pierce the bottom of
my stomach
anguish mixed with torment so intense breathing is unbearable
when your situation seems hopeless and I pray to my God
to bring you to him
and I know you will think that means I wish you
dead…
only dead from the life you have grown to know
dead to the fear that governs your thoughts
dead to the darkness that blocks the light you posses inside you
more where my thoughts travel … therefore, if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation;

the old has gone; the new has come
then… never will it matter who you were - only who you’ve become
I toss and turn on my pillow, sleep eludes me, prayers tumble out of my mouth and through my mind in tandem …
hot tears sting my eyes - seep down my cheeks
resignation is battled – but lost
I know this is not my war, not mine to wage
It is yours…
Forever and always - I love you, I pray you win!

Your Mom