I held you out like a shield
like a pedulum right left... always... left right...
tick tock tock tick... left right... always... right left
front back... always... back front
always there you were... always... tick tock... and always...
concealing suppressing me … I melded in to you…
sadly becoming one with you and denying me
i became nothing, my reflection in the mirror
was only you.
where am i?, my heart cries out...
Hiding me, burying my emotions, abnegating my emotions...
now they do not understand why they must learn to express themselves without you…
the process is painful and requires a discipline
i am only learning to possess.
why "how are you?" does not mean "How is Leigh?"
it means "how is Kaisha?"
I must respond with me as the first person...
Was I always nothing? Am I nothing? Will I remain nothing? No one?
when I die, will "they say" oh... poor Leigh... how will she cope..
Speculation buys me nothing …
I search for answers..
Appraising my life I have an heightened need to know
How did I cease to exist outside the universe of you?
How is it possible?
My breathing required you
My loving required you…
Could I breathe without you?
Do I want to …
Do I want to …
I feel an emptiness that should not be real…
Is not normal… should not exist...
That I have no answer those questions….
like a pedulum; right, left, left right... tick tock tock tick... there you were...
always there you were...
I melded in to you…
sadly becoming one with you
denying me!
They say you can't solve a problem without first identifying or admitting there is a problem. I find it poetic as you describe what has happened to your identity - you ask "Do I want to?" Sometimes it is easy to get trapped in negativity because there is a glimmer of comfort in the known, and sometimes immense fear of the unkown. But, I'm sure you have the courage to regain your sense of self again. Best wishes in your pursuit and journey!
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